Bullying, shame, loneliness – this is how Ivan Custódio describes growing up gay in the small town of Populina, Brazil. “I never felt like I belonged. As a child, I was nothing like the other boys around me. I identified much more with the girls and wanted to spend time with them.”
Excluded by the other boys and misunderstood by his family, Ivan just wanted to become invisible. “I became extremely shy and tried to make myself small. The only safe space I found was education, so I put everything I had into becoming a top student,” he explains.
Studying was indeed Ivan’s strong suit. After fourth grade, he received a scholarship that allowed him to transfer to a renowned private school. There, he met many diligent students like himself, yet he still felt out of place. “Now I was surrounded by teenagers from upper-middle-class families who talked about their latest travels and had more books at home than I could count.”
Ticket to freedom
Coming from a working-class family, imposter syndrome was a constant companion throughout Ivan’s private school years. “Just push through until university – that’s what I kept repeating to myself. Then you’ll finally be free.”
And indeed, getting accepted into the prestigious Mackenzie Law School turned out to be Ivan’s ticket to freedom. He moved to the metropolis of São Paulo, home to people from all kinds of economic backgrounds, cultural heritages and sexual orientations. “It was the first time I experienced a real sense of queer community, the first time I truly felt that there were other people like me.” Culture, friends, parties – the world opened up to Ivan when he finally found his community.
At least, that was true at night. “It felt liberating to be welcomed into a group where people shared my experiences. However, I quickly noticed that we only ever met in clubs or bars at night. In some way, it still felt like we were hiding.”
This observation led Ivan to join the Gaymada São Paulo Collective, an inclusive LGBTQ+ project that uses the traditional Brazilian game of dodgeball (“queimada”) to reclaim public spaces, promote participation in sports and build social and political visibility.
Raising awareness for a cause close to his heart gave Ivan a strong sense of purpose – in stark contrast to the job he had taken straight out of university. He had been working at a corporate law firm, dealing with clients’ family matters. “Taking a closer look at my work life, I realized I was spending 13 hours a day at the office, in an environment where so much revolved around making more money for already wealthy clients. I started figuring out what really mattered to me. I knew I had to get off the corporate hamster wheel.”
Next stop: Sweden
Exploring life abroad had always appealed to him, especially somewhere far away from everything he knew. Ready for a change of scenery, the young lawyer decided to move to Lund, Sweden, to pursue a master’s degree in human rights, for which he also received a scholarship.
Although Ivan was passionate about his field of study and managed to build a solid circle of friends in his university town, he recalls feeling somewhat disillusioned with the progressiveness of Swedish society. “Scandinavian countries are often portrayed as the epitome of acceptance and inclusion. And in some ways, I actually had more interactions with straight men there than I did in Brazil. But I also encountered a different, more subtle kind of homophobia. Straight men would sometimes say things like, ‘I have absolutely no problem with gay people, but I am definitely straight.’ It was as if they felt the need to clarify their sexuality before simply having a conversation with me, almost assuming that I might otherwise be interested in them.”
Willkommen in Berlin
During his studies, Ivan frequently visited a friend living in Berlin. He greatly appreciated the German capital’s demographic and cultural diversity, as well as Berliners’ general frankness, which contrasted with the widespread tendency to avoid conflict that he had seen in Sweden.
But the city itself wasn’t the only thing that caught his eye. On one of these visits, he went to a bar with his friends and fell in love with a German man. His relationship with Lars began as a long-distance romance, but their bond continued to grow stronger. After completing his master’s degree in human rights in Sweden, Ivan moved to Berlin to be with Lars. Today, they have been happily married for five years.
For a while, he tried to find a job that matched his qualifications. He even began working on a PhD, comparing the legal implications of social movements in Brazil and Germany. He encountered bureaucratic obstacles, language barriers and what he perceived as a preference for German applicants among potential employers.
At first, this situation was quite discouraging for Ivan. However, it turned out to be an unexpected opportunity. His career path had always seemed predetermined. As a first-generation university graduate, he had felt compelled to choose a profession that would guarantee financial security for himself and his working-class family. Now, as he tried to build a stable life in Germany, he began reconsidering his career and exploring other professional possibilities.
One day during the COVID-19 pandemic, he was sitting on a bench in Volkspark Friedrichshain when he spotted a couple of preschool teachers looking after a group of small children. “Now that’s a cool job!” he jokingly told his partner that evening.
He knew he had found his calling
Although it seemed like a radical change, a bold idea had taken root in Ivan’s mind. After completing an intensive German course and obtaining his B2 language certificate, he found himself surrounded by dozens of lively toddlers at Kita Garuda, completing his Bundesfreiwilligendienst (German Federal Voluntary Service) in early childhood education.
The first few weeks were definitely challenging. Watching little boys tumble, wrestle and yell reminded him of his own early childhood experiences, when boys like these would exclude and hurt him. Back then, he had nobody to turn to for help. For this reason, he made it his mission to create an environment of solidarity, inclusion and respect for all children.
Representation plays a major role in this. “I am a Brazilian immigrant who is married to another man. Having someone like me in a German Kita can help children become familiar with the idea that people with all kinds of differences can belong to the same community.” Despite occasional language-related difficulties, the children soon rewarded Ivan’s warm and open demeanor with their trust.
By the end of his time at Kita Garuda, Ivan had discovered a professional path he hadn’t previously considered, one that turned out to be a surprisingly good fit. After completing his Bundesfreiwilligendienst, he went on to undertake a three-and-a-half-year training program to become an early childhood educator at a vocational school in Lichtenberg.
“At our core, we’re all much more alike than we think”
Ivan’s decision to leave corporate law for early childhood education has puzzled many people around him, including some of the children’s parents. “A lot of people don’t understand why I chose this job with my credentials and academic background. Childcare work is seriously looked down upon, even though we are responsible for establishing the core values of the next generation. Actually, I find early childhood education intellectually challenging in ways that many people might not expect.”
Assertive communication, democratic decision-making, compromise in conflict resolution and questioning societal expectations – such as which toys are “for boys” or “for girls” – are central principles in Ivan’s work. He is convinced that the behavioral patterns we develop in early childhood, and the guidance we receive from caregivers during these formative years, help shape the society we live in.
“At our core, we’re all much more alike than we think. We all feel the same emotions, just for different reasons. I believe this mindset can help people recognize each other’s vulnerabilities and develop empathy. If we can teach that to young children, the future will be bright.”
